Getting rid of trick-or-treaters is something every poor person, grumpy person, or any other who can’t fit bags of candy into their budget (or just doesn’t want to), thinks about in late October. Like many professional sports leagues, it seems the Halloween season has been extended. When I was but a lad, we were only allowed to trick-or-treat after dark, and for a few hours at the most. Today, the newer generations of trick or treaters are pulling in record amounts of candy by extending their season from mid-afternoon to late evening—sometimes even trick or treating the day before and after the officially designated Halloween night. So you should know how to get rid of these johnny-come-latelys/earlies…and no, spraying them with a garden hose isn’t exactly the best way to do so. Satisfying, but it may engender eggings.
This brash and brazen trick-or-treatery must come to an end, especially in light of America’s obesity epidemic. So, for those of you who despise the evening of Halloween, we here at How to Get Rid of Things offer you some advice about keeping trick or treaters off your lawn, or at least encourage them to knock on your neighbor’s door instead.
Best Ways to Get Rid of Trick or Treaters
Strict costume codes will help you keep trick or treaters away. The white sheet with two holes cut in the top was once the Halloween costume of choice for candy greedy slackers; now, it’s prepackaged Walmart costumes. If you want to save money on Halloween candy, it is suggested that you first ask whether their mothers made their costume. If they say no, then insist that they go home and get a white sheet—the badge of shame that they deserve.
Keeping a movie intended for adults on repeat and cranked up on your stereo speakers should keep the trick-or-treaters at bay. In my youth, those sounds would have had children clamoring to sneak a peak into your living room. These days, almost every trick-or-treater is accompanied by an adult, and nothing scares white, FOX News watching soccer moms more than the idea of their children hearing the noises Mommy and Daddy made when they still loved each other.
No surer way has been found to keep children away out off of a lawn than the prospect of having to work on it.If you want to keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn, simply put a couple of lawn care tools in your front yard with a help wanted sign posted in plain sight. The idea of being coaxed into menial labor for a crappy Nestle Crisp chocolate bar should thin the ranks of those greedy, snot-nosed brats looking for a handout.
Police tape and empty shells will keep those pesky trick-or-treaters off your porch. Make sure to tape off your entire yard, and don’t leave any cheesy props like knives or chalk outlines; children might mistake those for “decorations.” Instead, grab a handful of empty .22 shells from your local ammo shop and scatter them on the sidewalk. That should have chaperones grabbing wrists and crossing the street. Heck, you can even order caution tape from Amazon to help with this.
Turning off your porch lights is the least fun, but most effective way to get rid of trick-or-treaters. If the lights aren’t on, then you’re not home. What you have to be careful of is watching television in the dark. Not only is it bad for your eyes, but the little heathens outside will see the flickering light and either knock on your door or throw eggs at it out of spite.
Natural Trick or Treater Control
“Natural” and “healthy”: no two words are more repulsive to children. To save yourself the bother of having to answer the door every two minutes, simply post a large sign on your door that states: “We serve only natural and healthy snacks to our children. Shouldn’t you?” If that doesn’t scare off the children, chances are you’ll offend their parents, and parents hate unsolicited criticism. Or, y’know, you could serve them Haribo Gummi Bears.
The Trust System is always an alternative to active candy-giving. If you want to save yourself money on the candy, however, it might be prudent to put up a sign next to the candy waiving all responsibility for any pins or razors found in their children after consuming your candy.
Illegal Aliens Professional Candymen
Remember, it’s still sugar beet season and migrant workers looking for some extra scratch are still aplenty. Why not pay a couple of them to stand on your porch and offer children candy? If you live on the other side of the tracks, this will save you from having to answer the doorbell and dealing with those clammy-handed, greedy little devils that live down the block. If you live in a predominantly white neighborhood, you’ll probably save money because what god-fearing WASP in their right mind would let their children take candy from a “colored” stranger? Thanks to the anti-immigrant scare tactics of mass media outlets like FOX News, you can count on almost no candy being accepted from your migrant workers. If you’re a particularly shrewd individual you might even get away non-payment for their services because they’re probably illegal aliens and employment protection laws don’t apply to them. If they make a stink, give them the bowl of candy. But you have to act fast because the U.S. government is going to build a wall to keep them out, and we all know how well that kept the Mongols out of China.