Bad Luck

My luck hasn’t been that great the last few years. I buy lottery tickets almost daily, yet I still drive a crappy car. Despite putting in the work at our local YMCA and sending insane live action tapes, I have no luck hearing from any NBA team concerning a tryout. McDonald’s keeps getting my orders wrong. My 5th Xbox 360 headset broke. It snows a lot here. My dog has gas on an unnaturally consistent basis, and so do I. I get dirty looks for no discernible reason. My metabolism isn’t working very hard. I’ve got dry skin. I chipped my favorite tooth. A friend of a friend of a friend died. I’m not gorgeous (if genetics aren’t about luck, what are they, a matter of talent?). Recently, I found that I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided that, in order to get my life back, I needed to learn how to get rid of bad luck. Well, after researching thoroughly (the longest 8 minutes of my life), I learned that there are many, aggressive, research-driven ways to do just that. Good luck (haaaa! see what we did there)!

Can Prayer Help?

Some experts advise praying to gods like Jesus, Zeus, or even Vishnu to get rid of bad luck. Many utilize bargaining techniques to great effect. Promising to donate money, help poor children, sacrifice sheep, burning the tones of your enemies – the gods like these things. You don’t necessarily need to follow through, but strive for sincerity at the time of prayer/battle.

Best Ways to Get Rid of Bad Luck

Poison yourself

This is my preferred method for getting rid of bad luck. Pick up your local newspaper and look for open houses. Show up, excuse yourself to the bathroom, and start swallowing random pills found in the medicine cabinet. Look for odd colors and warning labels. After visiting four or five houses, you’ll probably black out. If you don’t wake up (and that’s certainly a possibility) that means you’re worm food – dead. Your bad luck is now at an end. If you wake up, well…then you’re one lucky jerk, aren’t you?

Have intercourse with an ugly person

In his book Juiced, Jose Conseco describes how major league ballplayers get rid of bad luck. After going 0 for 20 at the plate, they hit the town looking for a “slump buster,” a very ugly woman. Morbidly obese, diseased, scarred, disabled – the more depraved the better. Don’t be alarmed if you begin to sob uncontrollably during sex. That just means it’s working – sort of like the tingling of dandruff shampoos. I know what you’re thinking, ladies, but this slump buster is already busy making his wife the luckiest woman in the world.

Befriend a ginger

Though once thought to be an inferior race, it turns out that gingers are actually oozing with talent, charisma, charm, and best of all, good luck. A recent, longitudinal study demonstrated that you can get rid of bad luck simply by consistently maintaining proximity to gingers. Doctor Sans Meritt, a researcher at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, stated, “Even if you’ve broken an antique mirror while standing under a ladder made of black cats, 2-3 hours of daily ginger time will reverse your bad luck in as little as three months.”

Be a jerk

It is often said that @$$holes have all the luck. It sounds odd, but you can see the phenomenon at work all the time. It starts early. Quite often, the meanest, most savage children are often the most well-liked, popular kids in public schools. Wall Street executives greedily plunged America, and indeed much of the world, into economic despair. The government gave them reward money for this. Reality TV stars get paid large sums for being subhuman. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Being a jerk is simple, but in case you’re a good person, I’ve made a list of activities to get your started. Talk loudly, protest gay marriage, watch The O’Reilly Factor, taunt zoo animals, trash talk your grandma, fart in the elevator, double park, go up the down escalator, hurt, maim, and steal. Become the center of the universe, and you will get rid of bad luck.

Take Jolly Hair Extract

Though difficult, this is a sure way to get rid of bad luck. Santa Claus, the most magic of all Americans, defies the natural laws of the universe each year. On Christmas Eve, his luck exerts a force that can hardly be understood in concrete terms. This luck can be distilled only from hair near the epicenter of his power. Yes, you’ll need a fistful of his ivory white pubes. Ambush him using cookies, tranquilizer darts…a bat if need be. Bring these hairs into an herbalist or natural healer for processing. It’s not nice. It’s naughty. You can expect a combination of coal and reindeer leavings for the next fifty Christmases, but with your luck, he’ll accidently gift you with a Mercedes.

Getting Rid of Bad Luck Naturally

Footless Rabbit

That old tradition of keeping a rabbit’s foot for good luck originated in the classic Book of Times by the ancient Greek Philosopher, Craphistines (and you can still buy lucky rabbit’s feet at Amazon). Thanks to a new translation, we now know that it is not the rabbit’s foot we are supposed to keep, but a footless rabbit. The longer you can keep it alive, the better luck you’ll have. Happy hunting…don’t tell PETA. Also, do something nice for other down ‘n out animals.

Doctored Three Leaf Clovers

New research out of the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland suggests that you need not endlessly search for four leaf clovers, which are as rare as 1 in 10,000. “You can apply a fourth leaf to an ordinary three-leaf clover using plain Scotch tape,” said Dr. Naboon. “The leprechauns won’t be able to tell the difference.” Heck, you can even find a legit worry stone with a fake four leaf clover on it at Amazon.

New Age Therapy

Gurus of New Age medicine often put on workshops to teach people how to get rid of bad luck. At these seminars, they’ll urge you to burn some sage, surround yourself with crystal energies, rearrange your furniture, and locate and connect with your spirit animal. While there is no reason to suspect any of this would work, it does. Just ask them.

Medical Marijuana

In California, marijuana is sometimes prescribed to get rid of bad luck. Unlike sleeping with ugly people, there is no scientific evidence linking pot to a reversal of fortunes. Rather, marijuana users express less bitterness at their lot. A woman could lose her job unjustly, get a speeding ticket while driving the speed limit, and arrive at home to find it vandalized. After smoking a marijuana cigarette, said individual is liable to start watching C- television while eating poor quality food, all without uttering one complaint.

How to Get Rid of Bad Luck Using Perspective

There are a billion people suffering from chronic hunger right now. I don’t know what it’s like to be hungry, but it sounds like a slow, inhumane death that would kill more than your body. If you are not among them, life is good. If you’re not a seven-year-old with an inoperable brain tumor, or that seven-year-old’s parents, life is good. Perhaps life is good even then. Life shows its claws to everyone at some point. It is how you react to a bad situation that makes the difference. You are in control, not some invisible, malicious force. Face setbacks with courage and dignity. Defy problems with human optimism. You think you have bad luck? How about working to get rid of the “bad luck” suffered by others? Donate your time, your money, your energy. You’ll soon find that the winds have changed.

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About the Author

Julianne Ragland

Julianne Ragland